Lent has a way of making us ask questions we might rather avoid.

It asks us to give something up, to examine our motives, to sit in the quiet spaces we usually fill with noise. And this year, one question keeps returning for me:

Am I truly loving people — or am I just trying to earn their love?

I think about the lengths I sometimes go to for certain people. The extra effort. The carefully chosen words. Anticipating their needs before they ask. On the surface, it looks generous. It even feels generous. Most of the time I believe it is, when I examine it.

But when I look honestly at my own heart, I sometimes see something less pure. I see how easily my “love” can become effort. Performance. Positioning.

There are people I know who do not particularly like me. Some I don’t especially enjoy either. And yet I feel something come over me — a determination to win them over. To soften them. To change their hearts and minds.

So I offer help. Extend invitations. Show up generously.

I tell myself this is Christlike love.
I tell myself I am loving my enemies.

But if I am honest, there is often another voice underneath:

If I do enough, maybe they will choose me.
If I am useful enough, maybe I will belong.
If I am good enough, maybe I will be seen.

This year, Lent is not letting that voice stay hidden.

So I sit with the harder question: If I knew I would receive nothing in return — no praise, no validation, no reassurance — would I still show up the same way? Mostly yes, but truly, sometime no.

If I earn love, I’ll be happier.
If I earn admiration, I deserve it.
If I earn belonging, I’ve won.

But love that must be earned is not love at all. Why is it so hard to be at peace accepting God’s pure love? Why does it feel like it’s not enough?

Many of us learned early that love had conditions: be helpful, be impressive, be indispensable, be easy, be more. So we spend our lives trying to become worthy of affection rather than simply receiving it. I sometimes feel like I’ve squandered my whole life chasing love.

But the love Lent points us toward cannot be earned. It can only be received. And when we begin to believe we are already loved without performance, something changes.

We start to love without bargaining.
We serve without needing applause.
We give without quietly keeping receipts.

This Lenten season, I am asking God to purify my motives — to teach me how to love without trying to secure something in return.

Because the more I sit with the question that began this reflection, the more I realize how easily love can become something else — a quiet attempt to secure approval, belonging, or reassurance.

And perhaps the deeper work of Lent is learning to let that go.

To stop trying to earn what has already been given.

To trust that being loved does not depend on how well we perform.

And from that place, to return to the original question — not with certainty, but with honesty:

Am I loving people … or am I still trying to earn love from them? As always, we are works in progress.

The post Are We Truly Loving People, or Just Trying to Win Them? appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

Let’s talk about something that has quietly become a social plague: ghosting and unfriending.

I’m speaking from experience here. Few things are more irritating than sending a message — personal or professional — and watching it vanish into the digital void. No response. No acknowledgment. Just your dignity and hope slowly evaporating. It feels rude because it is rude. And cowardly. Because it usually is that, too.

Somehow, in the digital age, we’ve managed to make disappearing from people easier than ever — no awkward conversations, no explanations, no emotional responsibility required. Just silence. Yay, technology!

Zero Empathy Is Maximum Convenience

Ghosting — dropping out of conversations without a word or never responding in the first place — has become weirdly normalized. It’s often justified as “protecting peace” or “avoiding awkwardness,” but let’s be honest: most of the time it’s about avoiding discomfort.

And avoidance has a cost.

When we ghost someone, we’re essentially saying, “Your feelings are less important than my momentary unease.” That’s not neutral behavior; it’s a choice.

In Christian tradition, we’re called to treat others with dignity and respect. Ghosting skips that step entirely. It’s not just impolite; it can cross into sinful territory when it consistently dismisses empathy and accountability.

Full disclosure: I’ve done it before. I’m not writing this from a moral high horse; it’s more from lots of self-awareness and reflection. Once you start recognizing the pattern, it’s hard to un-see it.

Professional Ghosting Even with Resumes

Ghosting has also gone corporate.

Professional ghosting is now fully institutionalized, especially in hiring. Candidates apply, interview, follow up, and then hear absolutely nothing. No rejection. No update. Just radio silence. The same thing happens with project pitches, collaborations, and professional outreach.

This isn’t just annoying; it’s disrespectful. People invest time, energy, and hope into these interactions. Ignoring that effort signals a complete lack of accountability. And yes, I could make the argument that this behavior negatively affects the economy, too, but that’s another article.

Ghosting also shows up at work in subtler ways: unanswered emails, clients who disappear mid-project, colleagues and co-workers who stop responding altogether. This creates confusion, resentment, and a culture where avoidance becomes the norm. Trust erodes. Morale drops.

I’ve experienced this not only professionally but even with church leaders. And honestly? A simple “yes” or “no” to an inquiry would suffice. Silence isn’t kindness — it’s indifference. Have some guts.

Hurt People Unfriend People

Unfriending is a little different. It’s more deliberate, often framed as “curating our social landscape.” Which sounds very calm and intentional until you realize it’s sometimes just emotional fallout with better branding.

We should ask ourselves: Are we unfriending because someone is truly harmful, or because we’re hurt and don’t know what to do with it?

Often, unfriending is less about the other person and more about unresolved feelings: anger, disappointment, jealousy, or plain exhaustion. Cutting someone off can feel empowering, but it can also be a way to avoid dealing with pain. And avoidance, again, has consequences.

When we unfriend without reflection, we lose the opportunity for conversation, growth, or reconciliation. We choose distance over dialogue and safety over maturity. Sometimes that’s necessary, but often it’s just easier.

Loneliness Spiral

In a world already struggling with isolation, habitual disconnection makes things worse. Ghosting and unfriending can create a vicious cycle: hurt leads to withdrawal, withdrawal leads to loneliness, and loneliness hardens us further.

Compassion isn’t always comfortable. It requires engagement, honesty, and sometimes difficult conversations. This doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behavior, but it does mean being intentional rather than reactive.

Before cutting someone off, consider whether a conversation could bring clarity. Not every relationship can or should be saved, but not every one needs to be quietly buried either.

Choosing Accountability Over Disappearing

At the heart of all this is accountability. Technology gives us endless ways to disengage without consequence, but that doesn’t make it right.

Before ghosting or unfriending, pause. Ask yourself this:

• Am I avoiding discomfort or protecting myself?
• Is silence actually kinder than honesty?
• What would it look like to respond with maturity instead?

Every message you ignore belongs to a real person. One who deserves at least the courtesy of acknowledgment.

We can do better. And we should.

The post Silence Isn’t Golden; It’s Just Rude! appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

“New year, new me.” Sound familiar? It’s flooded every Instagram post for the past month. Every January 1st, millions of people decide it’s time to make a change — whether it’s eating healthier, working out, or cutting back on screen time. But here’s the catch: 80% of these resolutions have been abandoned already. That means out of every 100 people, only 8 have actually stuck to their goals. Crazy, right?

It’s not about having better gym equipment or more free time. It’s about exercising discipline and commitment. The 8% succeed because they rely on the CARDINAL VIRTUES. The first is prudence, the ability to discern the good and choose the right means to achieve it. In simpler terms, prudence is the ability to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. The second virtue is justice, giving others what they are due. The third virtue is fortitude, the courage to face difficulties and persevere in the pursuit of good. The final virtue is temperance, moderation in what we do or buy or consume.

In my opinion, those who finish what they start, exercise the virtues of fortitude and temperance. Exercising fortitude looks like waking up and getting out of bed when your alarm clock goes off even though you’re exhausted. It looks like going to the gym even though your legs are so sore from the day before. Fortitude is the ability to continue to do what you set out to do in the first place.

Temperance is the ability to set oneself up for success. Temperance exercises the ability to say no to some things so that later on you can say yes to better things. Temperance is closing your laptop at 11 p.m. so that you can be fully rested for the day ahead. Temperance is not having that second serving of ice cream. But, temperance isn’t just about saying no. It can also look like, I can buy that item at the store because I had saved enough this month. Temperance is staying within your budget so that when your friend asks you to go out to dinner, you can afford it because you didn’t spend extra money on something that you didn’t really need.

In summary, exercising virtue isn’t going to make your life bland and boring, but rather, it gives you guidelines to follow so that you can live your life and live it to the fullest. So how do we make it to the end of the year so that we’re in the top 8%? We start small. Let’s say that our goal is to “get in shape.” What does that even mean? What kind of shape are we talking about? Olympic athlete, all-state champion? You get the point.

Step #1 is to make your goals more specific. “I want to live a healthier life.” That’s a great alternative. In addition, research has shown that when you have a theme for the year, it’s easier to obtain because the small things you do can fall under that theme. So let’s say this year’s theme is health.

Step #2 is to make it timely. If you’re going to focus on running, for example, your goal might be, “I want to be able to run a mile without stopping by springtime.” Then as you achieve each goal, you can bump up the next goal. Maybe your goal is to stop eating out. “I will let myself eat out once a week for a month.” Next month, you can change it to eating out once every other week. Soon, you’ll find yourself inching closer and closer to your goal.

Step #3 is to tie this goal to an action. “I am going to start running at my local gym.” Or, “I’m going to go for a run and listen to that new podcast I’ve been waiting to listen to.” There’s a win-win in that; you run and you get to listen to your podcast.

Step #4 is to make your goal attainable. While some people can start habits by going all in, more often than not, you need to ease your way into things. If you don’t work out, don’t expect to work out for an hour every day. Make it manageable. “I’m going to work out 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes.” Start slow and know your limits. Start slow and set realistic expectations. Knowing your limits doesn’t make you weak — it makes you smart.

Feel like you got a good idea? Go ahead and write yours down. The truth is that it’s never too late to start and today is the best day to begin. Don’t think in terms of tomorrow when it comes to building a new habit. Start thinking in terms of Day #1. But the truth is, you’re going to mess up. You’ll miss a day of working out or whatever your plan is. Realize that you’re not perfect and that’s okay. But don’t let that get you down. Think about it this way: if you forgot to brush your teeth one day, would you wake up the next and say, “Well I didn’t brush my teeth yesterday, that stinks. I guess I won’t brush them today or ever again.” No! That’s one, gross, and two, so silly.

Let this year be new for you, with a new mindset, and a new outlook on life. Life is going to be a challenge so make it a game. Make it fun and don’t give up. You’ll see the change happen over time!

https://www.forbes.com/sites/markmurphy/2020/02/11/this-is-the-month-when-new-years-resolutions-fail-heres-how-to-save-them/

The post Achieve Greatness with Discipline and the Cardinal Virtues appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

My grandpa always says how he fell in love with my grandmother’s big brown eyes.

He says I have her big brown eyes.

Although, I wish people would look past my big brown eyes.

I wish people would look at the way I sympathize.

Look at the way I’m paralyzed by my fear and my worries.

Every night I have this recurring dream.

I wake up in a sea on a thin sheet of wood.

This sea slowly changes from calm to raging.

My brain starts disengaging.

I lose track of the things in my life.

These big brown eyes don’t just smile.

They cry rivers of tears

Flooding my senses

and Making me senseless.

These big brown eyes need to be wiped.

They need to be cared for.

They need to be prepared for the hardships to come.

These big brown eyes need someone to step closer and realize they aren’t just brown

But green, and a little yellow when the sun hits them just right.

The only emotion they have isn’t sadness

But a mix of confusion and pride.

These big brown eyes need someone to guide them home.

The post POEM: Big Brown Eyes appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

I thrive on routine – plans, schedules, calendarized events, and Post-it notes. It’s how I roll; I’m a list person. However, complacency can sometimes be the enemy of growth. Routine can be helpful if managed, but left unchecked, can pull us down the rabbit hole of monotony for a long time.

Christmastime helps to break those routine cycles. At least for me, starting with Thanksgiving, life seems to shift into overdrive and feels like a whirlwind until January 2. Family – food – buying presents … family – food – opening presents – family – midnight – recovery. It can be a grind at times. The key to getting through it all and recovering after is introspection. That is to say, time to think.

Unfortunately, for most men, we’re so bent on action and task completion, we seldom leave time for ourselves. That ends this year.

Sometimes the holidays can bring out the best in us, and sometimes the worst. In either scenario, it can be hard to confront those things in each of us that we don’t want to admit are true, or make up our character, when we wish they didn’t. We can see what others have that we don’t; we can see what others don’t have and are unfairly without; we can get bogged down by the desire for justification when no obvious one exists.

Ultimately without fail, what the holiday season provides is an annual time of reflection. I know, I know: everyone says it, but within each stereotype is a kernel of truth. How much time do you take to think about you? Are you happy with you? Are you where you want to be? Are you the man you want to be; the friend you want to be; the student, the brother, the son, the husband you want to be? If yes, that’s great! I’m sure it took some time to get there. Life takes work. If you answered “No” to any one of these questions, it’s not too late to take the time to reflect and, if desired, enact change.

Men: Seriously, there’s still time. If you’re reading this, the buzzer has not yet been beaten, no one has walked off and won (I only have sports references, apparently) and the fat lady is still in the green room, warming up.

It is commonly believed that it takes about three weeks – 21 days – to create a habit. Of course, depending on the complexity, frequency, and state of mind of the habit former, that timeline is flexible. Here’s an example: a new nightly routine could take a few weeks, while a new exercise regimen could take a few months. Suffice it to say, for most tasks and most taskmasters, habit-forming takes time and repetition, but the first step is always the same: decisiveness. Make the decision that change is needed, warranted, and valid.

For me, it can be making time with family or time by myself to do things I enjoy. I love to read; haven’t cracked a book since March. I love to write, but this is the first thing I’ve written in months. I enjoy running, but I’ve worn my running shoes for family events only this year. I enjoy cycling and recently had to fill up the bike tires solely because I didn’t want to ruin the tires, not because I was preparing for a ride. My wife and I really enjoy playing Xbox, but we got rid our last system because we said we didn’t have the time. The family hasn’t been hiking in a year. It gets depressing, but life can come fast and hard without care or compassion. Time flies – it truly does. So, strap on your wings; we’ve got some gliding to do.

STEP ONE: Schedule time to get your house in order. I’ve taken care of the “have-to” things before they’ve truly become emergencies or missed deadlines/obligations.

STEP TWO: I’ve said no to those requests and asks that would have taken up time I needed for me or other important things (see above). I was not able to attend that particular after-hours meeting; I wouldn’t commit to delivering an ask because I simply didn’t have the time. I do not recall where I heard it first, but Steve Jobs is credited as saying, “Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.” That is to say, schedule your time wisely. Do you really have time to go out with friends tonight? F.O.M.O. (Fear of Missing Out) is real. I get it, but the world won’t stop turning if you miss one night with friends. Prioritization is key.

STEP THREE: Make time, hold on to it, and guard the time you set aside for that which you deem important. Eventually you will be asked to compromise, but hold true. You will not get that time back. Funnily enough, most New Year’s resolutions fail around the third week of January – right when new habits could be taking hold. The key is this: Have patience and confidence in yourself and your decision.

STEP FOUR: Be OK with setbacks. We recently wrapped up Christmas (pun intended) – the season of perpetual hope, but sometimes our best intentions don’t go as planned. Fail by February; start again in March. Fail in April; reset for a fresh start in May. Perpetuity refers to a continual existence. Perpetual hope – a continual hope – of potential change, if you want. But only if you want. Do not let the world dictate that need. Only you can. You can turn it around if you want to turn it around.

Frank Cross in Scrooged turned it around; as did Ebenezer Scrooge, the character upon which Frank is loosely based. Albeit, their realizations came in more dramatic fashion, but they were shown their needs and that they weren’t the men who they could be – who they should be for those around them. Some propose that Phil Connors in Groundhog Day took ten years to figure out his true self.

Any of the previously mentioned steps could have a mid-step added, defined as “with a companion – friend or family” because having an accountability partner is also key to success. Look up “accountability partner” and you’ll return all types of alliterative answers espousing the benefits of paired progress. Regardless, the common theme is that the more people who know your goal, the more likely you are to succeed. It takes a village. In some cases, change can be affected on an individual basis, but in most cases, it takes partnership in some aspect: a friend helping a friend, wife helping a husband, girlfriend helping a boyfriend. We’re all in this together, so it benefits everyone if one of us succeeds in a positive way.

At the end of the day, if you’re doing what you can with what you have in a positive way for you and those around you, then you are enough. The holiday season can be a time of reflection for change, but should also be a time of reflection for support. The world has a way of telling us that more is better. More food, more clothes, bigger cars, bigger houses, more presents, more TV, more, more, more.

Hedonic adaptation refers to a psychological “desensitivity” where we eventually return to a baseline level of happiness after new stimulus is introduced. Meaning, the more we have only temporarily gives us that dopamine burst in the reward centers of the brain.

We all have a baseline happiness level we should strive to maintain. Getting more and more only feeds into the need for more and more, never being satiated with what we have. Sometimes less is more; sometimes enough is enough. But you: You are always enough as you are. Do you feel like you are? Because you are. I’m telling you: You. Are. Enough.

As men, we are looked at stereotypically in a variety of ways, but for a lot of us, we don’t fit that construct. We are us – not them. We are who we are, not who we are told to be. Men: it’s OK to be insecure, and it’s OK to be confident; it’s OK to try, and it’s OK to fail; it’s OK not to be a leader, and it’s OK to lead; it’s OK not to want to go to college, and it’s OK to go to University; it’s OK to be you. Just be secure in what that means.

Change is possible; perpetual hope is a theme of the season. But perpetual confidence is knowing that what you bring to the table is worthy, as well. The holidays aren’t the only time for reflection, and realizing this is beneficial, but for those on the fence or looking for a place to start, the timing is perfect. Use this season to review you; decide who you are, what makes you happy and carpe diem – seize the day. There’s no better time than today.

The post Take Control and Set Your Goals appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

The way most people talk to each other has drastically changed in the past few decades. Words, phrases, and jokes are being spoken that would have been absolutely shocking a century ago. Foul language was only spoken by those who were considered “indecent.” Now words like the F-bomb are so commonplace that even children will speak them in conversation. But why does this actually matter? Just because certain ways of speaking were taboo in some other outdated culture doesn’t mean that they are now. How can things like swearing, sexual humor, and sarcasm be a problem? Well, because words really do have power. In fact, they are one of the most powerful forces in the world.

Since words are our way of communicating what we think and feel, they have a direct influence on everyone who hears them. For example, I bet you aren’t thinking about donuts right now, but now that I have mentioned them, you probably are. To take it even further, imagine a large, fluffy donut with a thick layer of shimmering glaze on the outside. It is soft to the touch, and the glaze is so fresh that its gooey texture sticks to your fingers. I’m willing to bet that now you probably are not just thinking about a donut, but you are starting to want one. Perhaps you aren’t. Perhaps you don’t like glazed donuts for some strange reason. But even then, what you just read prompted you to some sort of reaction.

No matter what, when we communicate verbally to another person, we are influencing what they think about, and sometimes even the way that they think. In fact, by reading this very article you are being influenced in some way. Whether that be toward agreement or disagreement with my point, you are thinking more deeply about this topic than you were before you started reading.

But what you say doesn’t just affect others; it also affects you.

The words that we say begin with a thought in our own minds, and when we speak that thought, it actually reinforces our thinking. Psychological evidence shows that if someone repeats a certain phrase numerous times daily over the course of a few weeks, it can actually rewire that person’s brain to come to believe that statement, even if they did not believe it before. Some communist countries have used this as a tactic in their re-education camps for POWs. By making their prisoners repeatedly speak phrases and sentences that are affirming to their communist regime, they eventually start to question what they believe to be true. This can clearly be seen in our own behavior.

For example, I used to work for a Catholic ministry that hosted overnight retreats for teens. There was one group of boys that was adamant about how much they did not want to be there. All they did was complain. There was one moment when everyone was eating breakfast. I remember quite a few teens on the retreat complimenting the food. They enjoyed it and wanted seconds. But not this group. They tried it and thought it was so gross that they refused to eat any more. Same food. Same day. Totally different attitude. By constantly reinforcing the idea that everything at the camp was a bad experience, they convinced themselves that the food, which was ordinarily enjoyable, was disgusting.

If our words have such an effect on others and on ourselves, then we need to take a closer look at the kinds of things that have become normal in our modern culture’s communication. It only takes a couple of minutes on the Internet to see that our world is full of swearing, sexual humor, complaining, and negativity towards others and oneself. These trends in speech are very destructive. Although we might not think that it means anything, when we use foul language and curse words we are choosing to carelessly throw around racial slurs, sexual euphemisms, vulgarities, and more.

There seems to be some dark part of us that revels in speaking an evil word for its own sake, and that ought to concern us. Vulgar sexual humor is even more destructive. Sex is one of the most sacred aspects of being human. It is created to be the deepest expression of love between two individuals, and it serves as the foundation of a healthy family. When sex is misused and removed from its proper context, as it is so severely in the modern day, it destroys families and damages one’s ability to love purely and authentically. When the jokes that we make lead us to rejoice in the perversion of sexuality, we are setting ourselves up for failure and influencing ourselves to see others as sexual objects rather than people.

There are so many ways speech can significantly impact us, negatively and positively. But my encouragement to you is this: if you still are not convinced, I challenge you to try to spot how the things that you hear others say seem to affect you and/or themselves. The Bible describes the tongue as a rudder that steers a ship. What we say is so powerful that it can literally steer the direction of our lives, or even the lives of others. If you want to do good, speak what is good and virtuous to others, and encourage them to do the same. If we can change our culture’s speech, we might just be able to change the world.

The post Purity of Speech appeared first on Headliners Mission Group.

We hear the term “prayer” used, but what does it mean? Does it mean reciting the same outdated prayers used for decades such as the Our Father, the prayer that Jesus gave us, or a Hail Mary, which dates back to the 16th century? No. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), a book about Church doctrine, says, “This mystery, (faith), then requires that the faithful believe in it, that they celebrate it, and that they live from it in a vital and personal relationship with the living and true God. This relationship is prayer.” CCC 2558. What the Catechism is saying is that prayer is the relationship with God.

Prayer is how we communicate with God the Father, Jesus, and/or Holy Spirit. This relationship is supposed to be PERSONAL. Prayer isn’t supposed to look uniform, the same way that communication between friends looks different. So, what does it mean to have a personal relationship with God? It starts just like any other relationship, with an introduction and openness. One thing to remember is that prayer isn’t us initiating a relationship with God, but rather a response to his call.

“God calls man first. Man may forget his Creator or hide far from his face; yet, the living and true God tirelessly calls each person to that mysterious encounter known as prayer. In prayer, the faithful God’s initiative of love always comes first; our own first step is always a response. As God gradually reveals himself and reveals man to himself, prayer appears as a reciprocal call, a covenant drama. Through words and actions, this drama engages the heart. It unfolds throughout the whole history of salvation.” CCC 2567

God keeps calling you on the phone. He is always initiating, and prayer is you choosing to answer the phone. So, how do you get started? Well, first off, prayer isn’t your inner monologue. It isn’t you having a conversation with yourself. Rather, it is allowing God to use the voice of the mind to converse with you. If God created you – your senses, your imagination, your intellect – wouldn’t it make sense that he would and does use those to communicate with you? Sometimes, we think that God’s going to speak to us through a billboard on the highway or a sign that’s going to hit us in the face, but more often than not, he wants to speak to us through the mundane. Why? Because he wants to be able to communicate at all times.

Close your eyes and say your first, middle, and last name in your head. It’s okay, just do it. Did it sound scary or did it sound normal? Sometimes we imagine God’s going to speak to us like how Mufasa appeared in the clouds to talk to Simba (The Lion King), a loud booming voice from the sky. Honestly, if that happened to me, I would freak out. It’s important to note that Simba isn’t freaked out because that voice, the voice of his father, is familiar. When God talks to us, He doesn’t want to scare us.

How about our imagination? St. Ignatius of Loyola developed a type of prayer allowing the individual to enter Biblical stories as if they were fully present, using all the senses. The best way to start is to imagine something already familiar: your bedroom (it could be another room if you want). Close your eyes and place yourself there. Use all five senses to get a “feel” for the room in great detail. What was that like? Did it seem easy or hard? If it was difficult or “fuzzy” try again. Practice makes perfect. It’s important to know that the mind is a muscle, it needs exercise and practice. It’s easy to be discouraged, but don’t be.

So at this point, you’ve heard your name and you’ve seen your room! That’s amazing! Time to move on to the next step. When conversing with God, there are three key things to know. God will only speak things that are 1) good; 2) upbuilding; and 3) true. All three of these criteria need to be met. If God is good, why would he ever say something bad about you? God’s also a good father, so why would he ever try to tear you down? And finally, God cannot lie; he can only speak what is true.

So, just like any conversation or new relationship, it’s good to ask questions. One of the best to start with is simply, “God, do you love me?” This question is simple because the answer is yes; however, it’s important to not let your mind “say” the obvious answer, but WAIT for the Lord to respond. It’s also good to note that you might see something in your imagination or feel something, like being hugged. If you don’t hear anything, ask again. Be persistent.

And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Luke 11:9-10

And from this place, there are endless questions you can ask. God, what do you think about me? What is your plan for my life? How can I grow in holiness today? And if you question whether or not what you see or hear is you, ask yourself: is it good, true, and upbuilding? If even one of those qualifications is not met, it’s not God. The reality is, it’s tough at first. Relationships take practice, and they take dedication. It’s not going to be perfect the first time, but be patient. Trust that the Lord will show up.

He’s there, always waiting for you. The question is, are you open to the way He wants to speak?

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I moved to San Francisco at age 21 in the mid ’90s thinking I was going to take the world by storm – that I was going to be the Pat Benatar of the grunge movement. With just a few boxes and a few hundred dollars, I was easily and quickly able to finagle housing and a job. I quickly learned that one job would not be enough, though. I didn’t know it at the time, but one choice I made then would squash my dreams of rockstardom: I could either live comfortably in my own studio in the posh neighborhood of the Marina; I lived on famous Lombard Street, known as the “crookedest street in the world.” That meant I would have to work multiple jobs in order to maintain that lifestyle. Or, I could choose to live the life of a beggar, in squalor, camping out on someone’s living room floor in Haight Ashbury while I pursued my singing aspirations. I chose to have my own place.

Serving jobs were easy to come by simply because of the cornucopia of restaurants in every direction. There was lots of competition for employment at the upper-echelon spots in the city; interviews, usually performed by entire management staffs, felt like auditions. “How would you describe quail to your patrons and what wine might best be served with it?” Coming from a southeastern Ohio meat-and-potatoes town like Zanesville, I wasn’t exactly sure. I could have shared with them my experiences while employed at Shoney’s or Western Sizzlin, and even spieled a passionate description of the baked potato bar and what flavor of “pop” paired best with it. I always seemed to successfully muster through these interviews, though – I think it was merely because of my youth; I would look good twirling out on the restaurant floor. And I was fine with that.

This arrogant attitude went with me into the restaurants that were foolish enough to take me in, like Zuni Cafe, a quintessentially uber-trendy spot flanking where the Mission and South of Market districts converge, a bustling locale.

Zuni Café’s menu epitomized what is referred to as California cuisine: a style of fusion cooking with a strong emphasis on using fresh, locally grown and produced foods. As such, menus at Zuni changed daily, transforming the kitchen into a culinary school for the servers at the commencement of every shift. You would think one might embrace the opportunity to be presented with such knowledge, but I didn’t. I was usually daydreaming about something else.

And it showed once I was out on the frontline facing patrons. “What can you tell us about the radicchio salad?” I very clearly remember a young couple asking me once. “It’s bitter,” was my eloquent reply.

I always looked at gay men as being the superstars of these haute eateries, with their fanciful movements and five-star know-how; they really had their act together, and I always wanted to please and be liked by them, but often fell quite short. “It’s called ‘poe-day crim’ one of them told me once, rolling his eyes, referring to “pots de crème” when I mangled the pronunciation with “pots day cream.”

Judy Rodgers, the owner of Zuni, was a culinary leader in San Francisco, revered because of her ability to transform the way people think about using seasonal ingredients. Her published cookbook: “The Zuni Café Cookbook,” showcasing her flair for creating “simultaneously rustic and urbane” French and Italian dishes, was lauded by some of the most respectable publications across the country. She is well known, even amongst some of Columbus’ finest chefs. I recall standing before her one afternoon as she was pulling a pan out of the oven with what looked like slices of lemon wedges sprinkled with brown sugar. When I asked if they were, in fact, lemons, she looked at me and simply said “They’re figs,” before turning away.

At the end of my shift, I was called into the management office and told that I was fired because Chef Judy was “horrified” by my lack of food knowledge.

I distinctively remember walking home that afternoon and feeling truly scared for the first time in my life. There were other jobs I had at the time; it wasn’t so much about money, but fear in the knowledge that I was going to have to straighten up, take things seriously. Being thousands of miles away from home, there was no one around to hold my hand, walk me through. My ego was so battered and it was very humbling to realize I really wasn’t the center of the universe. I can truly pinpoint that transformational experience as the moment I became an adult. I’ve always strived to be my very best since that time, in all things … and to be sure, I especially try to know as much as I can about food.

Thanks Chef Judy … and rest in peace.

* Editor’s Note: Article was written circa 2000 and has been published twice elsewhere.

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“He who knows best knows how little he knows.” –Thomas Jefferson

I recently recall discussing with one of my sons the importance of talking less, while saying more–of giving prudence to what you say in the presence of others, as well as being open to more effective listening.

Indeed, being mindful of what one says, along with remaining open to the the viewpoints of others for shared understanding is a mark of humility and of leadership. Often, when a person does tend to talk more without saying much, it is because he is compensating for something–typically a lack of knowledge and experience in the topic pertinent to the situation at hand. Take for example a sales representative attempting to share a new product. He’s not as familiar with it as he would like to or should be, so under pressure he has a tendency to ramble on, even repeating the same expressions.

It reminds me some time ago when I was listening to a radio show hosted by clinical psychologist Dr. Ray Guarendi.  He was addressing the issue of  what makes an effective teacher, and pointed out to a caller that the best teachers he had, in his opinion, were those who didn’t present themselves as knowing everything. If a student had a question, and the teacher didn’t know the answer, it became that teacher’s opportunity to reply with what I refer to as the three smartest words in the English language:

“I don’t know.”

Let’s be honest: only the Almighty knows EVERYTHING. So why is it that so many of us, when faced with questions to which we do not have the answers, attempt to skirt around the issue in a feeble attempt to hide our ignorance? Often, we accelerate that revelation when we respond with a word salad. What is so difficult to reply to such a question with the simple answer, “I don’t know”?

And in sales, the expression “I don’t know,” is usually followed up with the statement, “But I will find out for you.” In a classroom or other group setting, I might imagine a teacher or team leader tossing the question out to the group with the expression, “Does anyone here have an answer?”

Here are some additional things to consider when our answer is “I don’t know.”:

We reveal humility, not ignorance. So many of us are afraid of making ourselves vulnerable in the eyes of others. Is it classic insecurity? (I don’t know!) But when nurturing prosperous relationships and/or serving in a position of leadership, there is nothing greater than trust. That demonstration of honesty and humility has far greater value to this end, than attempting to build the perception that we have all the answers (Seriously…who needs that kind of pressure?).

We show that we are aware of what we don’t know. Think about this for a moment: It reminds me of a brutally candid (and even entertaining) article that ran in The New York Times way back in 2000, at how incompetent people simply don’t know they are incompetent! “Duh?” you are thinking–but this article really scared me at the time! Could I be one of them and not know it? This was a minor epiphany in my life–it taught me to be mindful of my limitations, and aware of what I don’t know. It also brought to mind some very wise words my father shared with me when I was young: “No matter how good you become at something, son, sooner or later, you will run into another guy who does it better.”

We lower our stress. I am all for setting high standards and expectations, so long as they challenge me to grow and increase the value I can bring to others in a reasonable manner. But I stop short of pretending to be something I am not: I learned that lesson in my life a long time ago (and have had to recently re-learn it). Those days of stressing myself out trying to be everything to everyone are over, and with the these three little words, they can be for you, too.

Finally, I describe the expression “I don’t know” as the “smartest” words primarily for the irony behind it. However, I really don’t believe that the willingness to acknowledge what one doesn’t know will convince anyone of how smart you are. Rather, it becomes an opportunity to demonstrate a gift that is far more sought after than knowledge. In fact, this gift is so valuable, that when God offered his servant King Solomon to grant him anything he would want, it’s what Solomon asked for (revealing that he unknowingly already possessed it – 1 Kings 3:4-12). How’s that for irony?

So, when we have the courage to respond “I don’t know,” we demonstrate something far more valuable than knowledge: wisdom.

NOTE: This piece previously appeared under the author’s byline on the site for the Authentic Leadership Foundation.

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I have fought against marriage most of my life – not intentionally so, and for very wrong reasons. It’s only been in recent times that I’ve been surrendering to the idea that it’s OK to want this in the truest traditional sense, in being the housewife and mother and letting a husband take charge, and to want this for the better good of a family unit. I’m no longer ashamed to admit it. I want to be the woman, and all that entails.

As I grew into adulthood, I never had the opportunity to just be the woman, the homemaker. I’ve scrambled, scraped, and struggled as a single parent – my own bad choices – and I regret it and wish I’d aspired to simply be a wife and mother. What could be more important?

These days it often takes two to run a household and keep bills paid. If you look at all the divorces in our culture today, women often have to bring in half of the income, be the nurturer of kids and the rest of the family unit, the maid, and the sexy wife all at the same time; it’s too much, there can be an imbalance and a building of contempt and resentment. Give thanks to the feminist movement – I think not – where too much is expected of women. I often argue it’s led to the moral decline in our society, perhaps the number one reason.

Still, I hope girls will understand this: it’s OK to aspire to be a housewife and mother; I encourage it. But you cannot do and have it all.

Many no doubt will cringe at this thought, but it’s a fact that women are biologically predisposed to feel this way. Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology, who’s very visible on social media and author of 12 Rules for Life, has spoken extensively about various aspects of human nature, including the roles of men and women in society. One of his perspectives is that women instinctively seek out partners who can provide security and resources, which he links to evolutionary psychology.

Peterson often refers to the concept of “hypergamy,” which suggests that women tend to select mates who are of higher status or have greater resources than themselves. He argues that this behavior is rooted in evolutionary needs, where women historically needed to ensure the survival of their offspring by selecting partners who could offer stability and protection.

For a long time, men have often been the protectors and providers, while women have taken care of the home and kids. This isn’t just a social thing; it’s also because of our natural instincts. The feminist movement changed everything.

The feminist movement had a huge impact on thoughts regarding the idea that women should be taken care of by men. Here are some of the ways in which feminism has influenced this:

• Feminism includes the idea women shouldn’t be dependent on men for care and protection
• Feminism advocates for equal rights, opportunities, and treatment for all genders, challenging the idea that women should be in a subservient or dependent position to men

• Feminism emphasizes women’s empowerment, encouraging women to assert their independence, make their own choices, and take control of their lives, including their financial and personal well-being
• Overall, the feminist movement has played a crucial role in challenging the idea that women should be taken care of by men, promoting instead the ideals of independence, equality, and mutual respect in relationships

Feminism and Societal Decline

Though feminism has brought about significant advancements in gender equality, it has greatly contributed to the decline of traditional family structures. The push for absolute independence can sometimes undermine the value of interdependence in relationships, leading to fragmented families and a sense of disconnection.

• Critics argue that the emphasis on individualism and independence promoted by feminism has contributed to changing family structures, with fewer people adhering to traditional models of marriage and family. This, they argue, has led to a decline in stable family units

• It’s also said that the breakdown of traditional family structures can have negative effects on children, leading to issues such as lower academic achievement, higher rates of delinquency, and emotional instability

• It’s believed that feminism has contributed to economic pressures on families, with more women entering the workforce leading to changes in family dynamics and increased stress on relationships

This idea that the feminist movement has contributed to the downfall of society or the breakup of families is a highly debated topic. It’s important to note that many different perspectives exist on this issue; this is just mine.

Back to Wanting a Man

Wanting a man to take care of you doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s a perfectly valid feeling. I hope that sharing my own story can show that a change in mindset is possible and fulfilling. In critiquing feminism’s role in adding pressures on women to balance multiple roles, I hope this article suggests that traditional roles are worthy of seeking. I also hope it encourages young women to make choices that align with their own personal desires and empowers them to aspire to be housewives and mothers if that’s what they truly want. These are great dreams to have.

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